Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
