i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
