make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
