You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
