is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
