My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
