If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
