i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My ATM looks so different sober.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
