You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
