life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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