woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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