My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
