260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
