can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
