If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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