I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
