I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
