All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
