Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
