Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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