Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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