I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
