how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
