Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
