You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
