My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
