Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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