on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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