Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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