It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
