The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
