I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
