I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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