I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
