Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
