but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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