does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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