I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
