I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
