I just saw a hot homeless man
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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