How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
