come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
God, I missed his penis.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
