On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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