Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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