Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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