I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
