I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
