She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
