we have pet lesbian snakes
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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