Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
