i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
